Porn and Erotica Discussion with my Wife

Honey, I listened to the sermon online.  I have several thoughts.  I figured I would put it in writing (and you can add it to my growing collection, ha).

First, us enjoying measured doses of erotica or sexual imagery together in the context of our marriage is one thing.  And then there is “solo porn” which would be masturbating to magazines and videos alone.

I believe that taking a step to enjoy erotica together as man and wife is up to married spouses.  That’s covered per the “marriage bed” in Hebrews.  We have freedom to experiment to some degree just as we have freedom to try new sexual positions.  That could be discussing fantasies, going to a sex store together, or using sex toys, just to name a few.

This pursuit of renewed heat and what we choose to do is the moral equivalent to drinking and gambling, topics the church tends to be very judgmental about, but we as a married couple have freedom to explore.  If it provides renewed passion and connection, so be it.  I think it’s like chocolate: erotica can be nice and pleasurable in measured doses.

That’s exactly what I want with you.  That’s what I wrote about, and have discussed with you several times.  I think I was pretty open and detailed about what I would like to do, and also discuss in terms of my fantasies as well.  I found nothing in the sermon that should make either of us concerned to pursue new fun and different ways of pleasure together.

As for solo porn, he’s generally right.  But what was left out is that men generally get turned on visually and that’s ok.  Of course, some women do as well.  That’s biology.  But porn is not the preferred outlet.  It can be very unhealthy depending on what is going on (like alcohol and gambling) but porn (and alcohol and gambling) is not the apocalypse.

As for some other things about the sermon: I will say that what you and I can confidently and truthfully say about married sexual practices and pleasure, and what a pastor is willing to say from the pulpit about those same things are very different.

There are topics about sexual arousal, desire and visual excitement and your own preferences in our bedroom that are absolutely acceptable in marriage BUT a pastor would probably never publicly admit that they are acceptable.  But that doesn’t mean that it’s not true.  You just won’t hear it discussed and affirmed in a 45 minute sermon that’s focused on extreme examples of negative, unhealthy sexual behavior, because those are guaranteed to get an “amen.”  The church is still hardwired to frame the discussion on married sexual practices in the negative.  “Thou. Shalt. Not.”  And it’s not helpful.

On the examples he gave about guys and porn, I have to say this.  Me masturbating to Penthouse is not going to result in homosexuality or destructive behavior.  Having a margarita will not make you an alcoholic.  Playing BlackJack in Vegas will not make us gamble away our life savings.  I wish Christians could have an honest conversation about porn, alcohol, and gambling without hysterics and worse case scenarios.

On porn and brains being rewired: Absolutely.  Anything you repetitively do rewires your brain.  Practicing the same sport over and over again, learning a new language.  These are part of the studies he referred to.  In fact, doesn’t having married sex with your spouse over and over, and enjoying the same positions rewire our brains?   Answer: yes.  That’s good.

Because having your brain rewired from sexual arousal isn’t necessarily bad.  A more accurate thing to say is that being compulsive is unhealthy.  But not all porn is compulsive.  Do we believe all drinking is compulsive?  Is all gambling is compulsive?  It’s the same sort of old wives tale here as it relates to Penthouse magazine.

The pastor rightly focused on one gender during the sermon.  However, it was the wrong one.  If we want to talk in generalities that’s fine.  So here is a generality.  It is very unpopular to say in our modern Christian church, often influenced by Feminist identity (whether we care to admit it or not): “Sexually repressed or overly conservative Christian women with a failed sense of priorities often enable married Christian men to seek porn for pleasure and connection.”

This generality is of course not always true, I know that.  Although I think it’s true more times than the church may care to admit.  But we only hear sermons about the horrors of men masturbating to lingerie models.

Sex is a difficult topic for the church and the church has historically been very wrong about it.  Not even 100 years ago, your pastor probably would have told you that the female orgasm was dangerous.  The early church refused to accept Song of Solomon as an erotic example of married bliss.  They had to “spiritualize” the physical.  In fact, they would call Song of Solomon “porn.”

And what’s the difference in getting sexually aroused reading Song of Solomon, and getting aroused from a “secular” erotic novel?  The pastor repeatedly condemned things that were “intended to arouse” and make us “sexually excited.”  He used those terms in his sermon but hello, that’s Song of Solomon.  That’s no different than Christians condemning Harry Potter and its references to “witchcraft” but then recommending The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

The truth is that pure sexual arousal tends to scare Christians.  Then they try to limit married sexual expression by pigeonholing sex as “an act of worship” or “Holy.”  They want to spiritualize and restrain a physical act just like the church did to Song of Solomon.  I believe because they are uncomfortable with sexual married freedom.

The pastor did something quite similar when discussing married sex during the sermon.  He said men should ask “Will God commend me when I stand before him?” And “Am I cultivating something beautiful in her heart?” Ok, that’s fine. But do I really have to ask that laundry list questions every time I’m cumming on you?  At your request?  But sure, I can happily say “yes” to all of the above if it’s you and me together.

Regarding “porneia” and porn.  I don’t think the Greek word “porneia” in the NT applies to visual or written arousal like modern erotica.  Porneia referred to prostitution. So let’s not pretend jerking off to Penthouse is the same as paying to have literal sex with a hooker.  Or that being angry with someone is the same thing as killing them (because Jesus referred to both).

But here is the most important point about “porneia”.  Assume the pastor is correct that it means written erotica, and written erotica is off limits for married couples.  Then doesn’t it mean Song of Solomon is porneia because it is dripping with explicit references to sex?  Including oral sex?  Should we start talking about fear over brains being hardwired because of Song of Solomon?  Or is this another Harry Potter / CS Lewis thing?

I believe getting aroused together from erotica is a matter of degree, mutual preference, and good judgment between married couples.  It’s ok to explore, just use good judgment.  Fear of something new or different should not be our standard.

I guess I’ll end with this.  Do you think your husband is an attentive lover?  One who makes your pleasure a priority, pursues you, desires you?  One who takes practical steps to spend time together outside the bedroom?  I ask because the pastor literally said I’m “dehumanized” by watching (and enjoying) women masturbating and couples enjoying sex.  So maybe I am sub-human. Or perhaps the pastor is like others who can’t give a measured perspective on this topic.

These are hard topics and the pastor is doing his best.  But we have to be willing to uncover truth and nuance, even if it’s not in the sermon.