Some desires feel too tender to name, yet too powerful to ignore.
Hi MH, this is my first time posting. I have been silently watching from afar, and I am amazed by the work the admins have done here. I’ve never felt more safe as a Christian woman curious about her sexuality.
We don’t have many spaces like this, so finding this community was a beautiful surprise for me. The freedom of expression, and the admission of doubts, and even weaknesses, is humbling and something I’m deeply grateful for. I love how we don’t have to bottle everything up.
To get to the heart of the matter: I’m a 26-year-old woman just starting to explore my sexuality. Much of my exploration has been in my mind, rather than physical. I’m still a virgin and determined to understand what truly makes me tick. I’m not too feminine, but also not particularly masculine. Somewhere in between. I guess I have an air about myself that’s different, that’s not quite everything you’d expected a woman to be.
I recently discovered what arouses me most about men: it’s when they let me have them. (Hypothetically, since I’m still a virgin.) Nothing excites me more than a man who wants to be touched and loved on; a man who doesn’t hold back his moans, who lets himself feel; a man who wants me to know him as he would know me.
Is it wrong to be attracted to a man’s vulnerability? I’m more of a demisexual—someone who usually experiences sexual attraction only when there’s already an emotional connection—and the thought of the man I love giving himself to me, without masks, unrestrained, drives me wild. It’s about the connection of the moment, the look in his eyes, the tilt of his head when I kiss his neck, the way my hand slides down his sides.
I don’t mind that men are often the ones initiating, but I love the idea of having my way with my husband—almost as much as I love the idea of him taking me in turn.
So is wanting your husband so completely—so much that it feels like surrender—wrong?
The darker part of this is that the more responsive he is to me, the more feral I become, and the more feral I become, the more I crave completely dominating him. This has drawn me into fantasies of taking full control, even pegging. I have mixed feelings about pegging, but imagining my husband moaning as I pleasure him this way excites me deeply.
I’m not interested in the abuse, degrading, or feminising aspects often linked to femdom. What turns me on is the idea of being responsible for his pleasure, grabbing his hair, kissing his neck, and biting into it while driving into him, hearing as he moans my name over and over again. Then afterwards, I want him to take me from behind, just the way I like.
It’s about my ability to pleasure the man I love, and for him to feel safe enough to let go. It’s a thought I keep returning to. If I could connect with him deeply through another sexual act, I’d still be satisfied. I just want him to let go for me.
I’d really appreciate your thoughts for a 26-year-old virgin still waiting for her Boaz. I’m afraid many men won’t let go like that. Will I find someone who wants to be loved the way I long to love him? I want the godly perspective on this.
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