Oral For Them: The Art of Cunnilingus, Fellatio, and Sexual Communication (A)

(A) – This post contains a discussion of anal play. 

Oral for Them

The Art of Cunnilingus, Fellatio, and Sexual Communication

Reading the title of this might lead a person to think this will be about the nuances of oral sex from some experts.

On the contrary. This is about oral sex, but the key here is that this is about oral sex pertaining to your partner.

Have you ever wanted something for your birthday or Christmas, and dropped hints to the people you knew would be buying you a present, and when the big day came, you unwrapped the presents and found out it wasn’t what you were asking for or hinting at?

The irony of this is you’re supposed to be grateful and thankful for the gift that they gave you, even though it’s not what you wanted. And you are thankful for the fact that they wanted to get you something—it’s only right.

On the other hand, the giver—the person who decided to just get you what they wanted rather than what you wanted—expects you to be thankful for the fact that they got you what they did.

The result is that there may be just a little bit of pretending going on about the giving and receiving. We’ve all been there at one point in our life.

And now, we’re going to have to ask for your grace here. Back in the ’70s, when we were in our early twenties and dating, we were not practicing Christians. Hence, while dating, we were deeply involved with sex.

Being that it was new and exciting, and we were young and full of hormones, anything we did was a turn-on. And being that it was in the ’70s, discretion wasn’t really of the utmost importance. In short, we had sex everywhere!

I can remember going down on him and feeling so satisfied because I was able to produce the results of him ejaculating with my mouth. Vice versa for him going down on me giving me a climax. And everything was right with the world!

But given enough time, we began to find out that there are certain things that are not enjoyable.

The thing is, you don’t want to do something uncomfortable for them. So when it happens, you just don’t do that anymore, and little by little what you do is basically what you know to do.

The key here is sexual communication. That means—for both of you—not only being able to speak what it is that you want, but also being able to listen to what the other wants! In other words, you want to give them what brings them happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. After all, the greater blessing is in giving, not receiving.

Each of us agrees that it is a huge turn-on to be able to spontaneously perform oral sex the way our partner wants, without the expectation that we are going to get any back—although that often happens anyways. For both of us, there have been times where one has been laying on our stomach (on a mattress, or floor, or couch) performing oral sex on the other, and we were grinding and humping into the surface below us because we were so turned on by getting them turned on!

One of the worst things we can do is enter into sex thinking that we know everything there is about sex, when we really don’t. Even worse is expecting our partner to just be happy with that for the rest of our lives.

We ended up getting married and continuing on as usual, having kids, getting a home, getting another home, having dogs, having jobs, and all of the things that clutter life up. All the things that drain from your privacy and your sexual intimacy.

Along the way we joined the church and became Christians. We began to listen to different people’s ideas of what was right and what was wrong—people we became friends with, as well as people we would listen to and be taught by.

The problem is that, just because they feel they should say something, that doesn’t mean it’s right.

I had girlfriends who hated giving oral sex, and in at least one case, stopped having sex with her husband altogether. My husband had male friends who felt defeated and unwanted because it seemed like nothing they were doing was right, and they felt they were on the skids as far as their marriage went.

When you enter into the bonds of matrimony, you’re also entering into a monogamous relationship. That also means it’s a monogamous sexual relationship. That means you’re the only place that your spouse has to find sexual gratification and satisfaction, so it’s a sad irony when one spouse refuses to fulfill those needs. If one spouse is not receiving satisfaction, it provides a fertile ground for thoughts and possible actions of infidelity. So it is incumbent upon each of us to give to our partner—and not what we want to give, but what they need from us. This is a mutual cooperation between the two.

If you’ve read anything that we’ve written in our discussion posts and comments, you may have heard us refer to our sexual revolution. And the key results of our sexual revolution came about through honest sexual communication.

Now, this includes so much, and requires a lot of honesty about what really turns us on. Unfortunately, because of the courting process, we don’t always reveal everything about ourselves because we don’t want our potential spouse to think badly of us. And then we hold it in, get married, and live with it in the hopes that maybe one day, we’ll be able to practice what we really desire. Unfortunately, this is even more often the case in a Christian marriage, because something that might turn us on would be looked at by the other as something that would be unChristian.

However this particular article is really written about oral sex, so we’ll stick to that.

Mistake number one: assuming you know best. For example, don’t assume it has to be at home in your bedroom! Oral sex is something that can be performed almost anywhere. It makes a wonderful addition to a road trip to visit to a park, or sneaking off during a wedding reception. That’s just to name a few.

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus is the art of making a woman climax as a result of using mostly your tongue, lips, and overall mouth. It can also include secondary stimulation from fingers or toys.

One of the things that I had to communicate to my husband was that a woman often gets right to that door where a climax is ready to happen, and then it disappears. It can be incredibly frustrating, because this can happen multiple times. And this can end badly if the female gives up and says, “That’s alright, there’s next time,” or the man gets short on patience, and it comes through in the lack of exuberance about his performance.

But if both parties stay on point, when the goal line is finally reached, it can be mind-blowing.

The word today for this kind of thing is “edging”—bringing yourself to the point of climax, then stopping in order to create a more powerful orgasm when you finally get there. This is something that’s happening biologically within a person. And by the way, a man can have this happen as well—getting to the point and just hanging there.

One of the things I had to communicate to him was this: when you hear me say “That’s right, stay there, and keep doing it,” don’t get creative and do something else! Keep doing what I’m approving of, because it feels sooooo good!

Something I learned on my part is that I have to communicate through moans and whimpers and cries, because that all serves to bolster your partner’s self-confidence in what they’re doing. But I learned I also have to communicate verbally, saying things like “softer,” or “harder,” or “slip your fingers in,” or “move your tongue down to my labia and suck.”

One thing to remember is that, while oral sex is focused primarily on that little button under the hood (the woman’s clit), true enjoyment comes from paying attention to every part of a woman’s vulva, not to mention her inner thighs and pelvis. One cannot understand the power of soft, sensual kisses over a woman’s inner thighs.

In short: communicate! Once a woman experiences an amazing orgasm from her husband, she will want more. And believe me, I cannot tell you how many times I have had five or six climaxes until I just couldn’t do anymore! Not necessarily all by oral sex, mind you, and not all necessarily right in a row, but over the span of however long our sexual session is.

Sometimes I become insatiable, holding tightly onto his head and grinding his mouth with my heels dug into the back of his shoulders, moaning, whimpering, begging, or talking just downright dirty. Other times I have gotten up on top of him cowgirl, riding as if I’m in a horse race, my breasts bouncing and jiggling, my mouth open wide, and my eyes closed tight. Sometimes I pinch my own nipples, sometimes his. Sometimes I’m going for another, but I’m so tired, it takes some extra help from him. For example, he might grab ahold of my hips or butt, pulling me down into him, causing my clitoris to grind down into his pelvis, bringing me back into the need for that climax.

You can look at YouTube videos, or videos wherever you want, and they will tell you all sorts of things which will be nice—little hints about how to perform cunninglingus or fellatio—but the fact is, you still need to sexually communicate. Try new things of course, as long as both are willing, but do what your partner wants. Find out where those places are, on, in, and around her vulva which bring her the greatest amounts of pleasure. Determine the right amount of pressure, and how heavy and vigorous or soft and sensuous your touch should be. For me, when it comes to fingers, what works best is palm up, fingers slightly curved, just inside the opening, and pressing against the fleshy part inside my pelvis. Having that done while he licks and sucks on my clitoris has given me some of the most amazing orgasms.

And although I’m not necessarily fond of anal sex, occasionally when I’m in the mood, it does feel good to have a thumb or a finger inserted into my anus—with a lot of lubrication and patience—and other fingers inside my vagina, massaging the inner walls.

Early on in our marriage, I would never have even thought about doing anything with my anus, but it was upon establishing open sexual communication that he said he wanted to try it, and now we have tried everything—analingus included. As long as I know everything is clean first, it can feel good. As I said, having a thumb or a finger inside can add extra flavor to my orgasm, feeling my sphincter tighten around his thumb as my vagina tightens around whatever might be inside it. It’s kind of all-encompassing sometimes, and overwhelming almost.

And again, you need to talk this over with your partner, because you both need to be willing to do this. You need to be willing to try what your partner wants, and also you need to respect if your partner does not want something done.

At our age, our sex life is more satisfactory than it’s ever been, and yes, there have been times where we’ve had health problems or emotional problems which put the brakes on it. But we love each other more and enjoy sex with each other more than we ever did before.

Fellatio

Something to note right away is that as men age, things change. If something changes for the worse, as a wife, don’t assume it’s your fault, because things do change naturally in a person’s anatomy and pleasures.

Every man is different, so please talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn’t. For example, I have found that at times he enjoys having his nipples pinched while I am paying attention to his genitals. And at other times, I found that a finger in the anus is also quite central. There is a practice called the prostate massage which can produce great pleasure within a man during orgasm.

Although I have performed analingus on him, it’s only when he feels comfortable and clean enough for me to do that. There’s something to be said about tickling his sphincter with my tongue and being able to look up at that shaft, stiff and hard in my hand, being stroked while I hear sounds of pleasure and approval escaping his lips.

As we’ve aged, we’ve found that it has taken him much longer to orgasm than he used to, and the feeling is much, much more intense. He also doesn’t produce as much semen as he used to.

For me, it can get strenuous and tiring on my mouth and lips and being in oral-giving positions. I have learned that coupling fellatio with masturbation helps to give you a break, and also provide alternate stimulation. This is where a finger in the anus also helps, or a pinch of the nipples.

On the underside of the helmet of the penis is an area called the frenulum. It’s a sensitive area which, when well-lubricated and stroked with a thumb, or when tickled, licked and sucked on, can produce a better orgasm.

On my husband’s advice, here’s another tip: stroking the penis with your hand as you go up and down with your mouth, and be sure to actually suck, not just have it in your mouth. Keep your fingers tightly gripped around the shaft and stroke while you suck, moving in sequence, and you’ll be able to produce a fantastic climax!

There have been times that I’ve gently fondled his sack, and then there have been times when I’ve grabbed his sack above the nuts, wrapping my fingers around it. Now this doesn’t mean squeezing his testicles, it just means the skin by which the sack is attached to the underside of the penis. Applying a lot of lubrication on his sack and almost gently milking it as you suck his penis is also a pleasurable thing to do. And don’t forget that sucking with your mouth wrapped around it isn’t the only thing you can do. You can also look up and be sure that he sees you doing it. Looking him in the eyes while you do it can have a great effect.

I’ve written this with M right here, giving me tips and hints on the things that we both enjoyed in our marriage and sex life. We write this in the hopes that other couples would also share what it is that they enjoy.

Hopefully you enjoyed this, and maybe gained a little bit of understanding.

L&M

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