We all have one. Even, if you were a virgin at marriage, you still have one: a sexual past, before your spouse.
Maybe, yours was just thoughts of what ifs, maybe you played with yourself only, or maybe you have multiple spouses, lovers or dates in your past. Not that those are equal in righteousness, but they are equal in us having a sexual past that you may, or may not, want to divulge to your spouse.
For one reason or another, we choose to discuss our sexual past with our spouse, or choose not to.
How have you handled this? Did the two of you discuss it? Or is it a no-no, and you don’t go there?
Personally, I feel I want to know, and I want to confess, if for nothing more than we can work through regrets, responses, and any fondness there may be, so that the two spouses can work to be the source of love and forgiveness like Jesus is to us.
Plus, I get a sense of withholding, both mentally and emotionally. This can keep, or cause a feeling of, a spouse at arms length. This can also translate into withholding physical sex. That withholding can make a spouse feel inadequate. When the command is to be virgins at marriage, if one spouse is not, they can feel dirty and inadequate in that way, and the other might feel left out. But the divulging of details allows the spouse to come into the knowledge, to process the emotions, and find a response to it all. Present and past. Sin and redemption. A spouse with an imperfect sexual past cannot turn back the hands of time, but they can show the most accountability and love by spreading out every detail. I believe, if both spouses are open it, it can help them grow together.
I also believe (not that me and my wife do this) that in the power of forgiveness and the strength of Christ, a sex-positive marriage is at liberty to be aroused by this past and use it to enhance sex in the present, as long as it does not cause a lust for sinful sex. A spouse can easily be turned on hearing how the other was engaging in sex, in general, without even knowing who the other person was. But, also, they are free to have the mental picture of who the person was that made them engage the way they did. In this age of digital pictures and video, this would include any potential images of a spouse online, or in another’s phone, computer, or in possession of your spouse. The spouses would have to respect either a pro or con stance. They would have to agree on its use and be into it. This does not have to be a celebration of past sin, but a celebration of monogamy now.
Not all spouses and marriages are the same. None of what I am saying should be done against the will of the other spouse. What I am talking about is mutual confession But, that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes the marriage stays at odds on this. One may want to talk it out when the other doesn’t. A marriage can live like that. I would not say to go against the conscience of your spouse. They may think their silent, non-divulging stance is righteous. Some may hurt rehashing a past. It is up to them to see whether confession is healing or hurt.
However you want to explain yourself and your marriage here on MH, please do. Were you a promiscuous spouse before marriage? Were you a virgin? How do you feel, personally, about your past? How does it apply to your marriage? Do you and your spouse agree on this discussion? Has your marriage survived, thrived, or did it go south?
My wife and I discuss, but I have to bring it up. She doesn’t volunteer much, but will answer anything I ask. I am at least glad to have been able to tell her I still love her more than the day we were wed. I’m glad to have been able to share my heart of husbandly forgiveness as well. She is not against hearing about my past sexcapades, but would not have ever asked. So, my divulging is way less detailed than my asking about her’s. We do not agree on this topic, but have worked out a real solution for us, and we have peace to know we are open books in this way. Nothing is hidden away, and the rightful spouse is privy to those who showed no respect to a potential future spouse/marriage.
Ultimately, this topic is about finding greater insight into our marriages. There are many different components to confessing and forgiving, and many ways they can be done. Some are afraid to divulge because of judgement. But just maybe I haven’t proven myself to be one to confess to, either. Some want to, some don’t. But marriages can live through any of it.
What’s your experience?
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