Let’s pretend, gentle reader, that you have an entire room devoted to spicy, sexy fun. Let’s go one further and imagine an unlimited budget to furnish and decorate it however you want. What would your perfect sex sanctuary look like?
I’ve always loved the idea of themed rooms. Imagine spending time with God in your own little prayer chapel, surrounded by flowers and stained glass. Tabletop gamers might picture a Dungeon and Dragons-themed room with mounted weapons and wood paneling; book lovers, a personal library with fancy armchairs; and the sports fans, a private sports bar with a pool table or jukebox.
Then there are the sex fiends among us—which is to say, most of us. Whether you’re married or single, imagine you had an entire room devoted to sexual pleasure. How would you fill it? What furniture, furnishings, lighting, flooring, and décor would you choose?
I’ll go first.
I’m single, so my room would be dedicated to self-pleasure. The kids call this kind of thing a “gooner cave,” but I prefer something fancier. Let’s call it the masturbatorium.
I’m not comfortable masturbating unless I feel safe, so privacy would be a must: frosted windows, soundproofing, and a lockable door. The strip-club aesthetic isn’t for me with its glaring neon and garish velvet. Instead, I would love a cozy, classy atmosphere. Picture wood paneling and warm, soft lighting.
A sex room needs only one basic piece of furniture: a bed or seat. Personally, I would go for a nice leather sofa. There I could sit and stroke my erection, or lie back and buzz its head with a vibrator. If I felt especially animalistic, I could even put a sleeve beneath the sofa cushions and hump it to orgasm.
On the walls, I would display cute pin-ups and vintage erotica. The aesthetic would be teasing and playful, not explicitly pornographic. There would be mirrors, of course. I think most of us like to watch ourselves in the throes of ecstasy. A shelf or glass cabinet would display sex toys like trophies. (The difference is that we don’t rub our privates with trophies or put them in our holes… not usually, anyway.)
A cupboard would hold towels and washcloths for easy cleanup. Speaking of which, a sink and toilet would be wonderfully convenient. For this reason, a half bathroom would be the ideal space to convert into my masturbatorium.
When I pleasure myself, I appreciate having white noise. Grunting and gasping into dead silence leaves me feeling uneasy even if I have the entire house to myself. My sex space would have a speaker to play soothing sounds or soft music.
That’s my vision of a perfect sex room: cozy, private, and comfortable.
Believe it or not, the idea of sexy spaces is hinted in Scripture. The adulterous woman in Proverbs 7 tells her victim, “I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.” Her intentions may have been entirely sinful, but I can’t fault her flair for interior design!
Unrelatedly, if any of my gentle readers are curious about Adán, Eevee, and the Eden Oasis story, I’ll pick it up again one of these days. I’ve put off writing further chapters in my fervent belief that procrastination is but an advanced form of patience, and that patience is a most admirable virtue.
All right, that’s enough about me. It’s your turn, gentle reader. Tell us all about your ideal, perfect sex room! Would it be a romantic, candlelit hideaway? A dungeon full of exotic sex equipment? A den of pleasure blasted by high-energy music and neon lights?
Describe your perfect sex room in the comments below!
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